Priorities, and Change

Well hello, it's me again.  I know, it has been awhile.  I'll bet a handful of you probably thought I'd fallen off the edge of the universe.  Some could say that I did.  My universe has gone through some pretty intense changes over the last 3 months, but they've all been amazing and for the better.  It's all about priorities, and what is really important in life...my eyes that were once glazed over with too much stress, too many obligations, too much wine and what was becoming an ever increasing list of regrets have grown clear.  The haze has disappeared.  You know, it reminds me almost of that Claritin commercial that used to run...you know the one.  Starts out with some poor allergy stricken person talking about how they were so miserable before they found Claritin. Then the camera does this little filter trick that lifts the haze like the turning of a page and suddenly colors are brighter, laughter is louder, and the flowers no longer secrete enough pollen to throw them into sheer misery.

You could say I've found my Claritin.

A mere three months ago I was consumed with my allergies.  So I made some changes.

I was working too much.  It's funny, this thing we do called work.  It's what you could call a necessary evil.  I have a friend who traveled to Europe.  She came back and told me about her vacation - how it was much needed.  She told me of a local vendor at the farmers market she visited who asked her how it felt to be from a country that lived to work - when in reality happiness comes when you simply work to live.   It was a valid question that she couldn't answer.  Made me think.  I couldn't answer either.  Don was in Virginia at the time, and every day was the same here.  Grueling.  I liked my job, but I had no business doing what I was doing and trying to be an attentive parent and housekeeper at the same time. It was overwhelming.  I drank wine to help myself feel better.  It worked more often than not.  At least until the next day.

Add to that my insistence on being the perfect parent.  We all know there's really no such thing, but I always thought if I just tried harder, I could get there.  I enrolled the kids in skating to give them something to do (and at the same give myself an additional obligation 3 times a week, not to mention financially).  It was great, they had fun.  But it didn't make me a better parent, even if I somehow thought it did.  All they wanted was my time, of which I had none to give.  I would take them to skating and sit on my phone checking work email and stressing over whatever the newest project was and if it would launch on time, if everyone had been trained, if I had missed anything.  But it was fun, right?  Right?  Paige asked me one day "Mama, do you remember when you didn't work, and you used to play with me?".  Enter guilt.  I had a conversation with her about why my job was important - but it was all financial.  If I didn't work, she couldn't skate.  So in the end she thanked me for working.  I went home and drank a glass of wine.  Or three.

Towards the end of July, I decided that it wasn't worth it anymore.  I stepped down from management at work and took a leave of absence.  And I quit drinking.  Completely. 

I don't even miss it.  I've never been so happy, or felt so good.

It has been only three months, but life is better than ever.  I'm back at work part time, and it is perfect.  The kids aren't in skating anymore, and likely won't be again.  Paige asked about it, and I asked (legitimately) if she'd rather I worked more so she could have lessons again, or if she'd rather we just go to open skate as a family a few times a month.  It made me smile when she said "That's easy Mom - FAMILY SKATE!".   Last week we all took an afternoon and went bowling.  Today after school we had a family Wii session.  I won.  I have time to enjoy life now.  I am not overwhelmed.  There is no haze.  There is still some underlying guilt for the way the last year or so has gone down for us - but I'm working through it.  Don is home from Virginia and that of course in itself is a huge relief.  It is SO nice to go grocery shopping without kids in tow - ha!

Today my priorities are in order, and what a blessing.  I've come to realize that time with those that we love is something that, once lost, cannot be regained.  It is amazing to be able to sit down, just the four of us, and spend quality time playing Wii, or go out riding bikes, or playing on the playground (I even crossed the monkey bars last weekend - Paige thought that was the coolest thing EVER!).  I am no longer overwhelmed.  I am no longer scared of what I might have missed at work.  I'm no longer worried about what would happen if I lost over half my income.   These days I laugh...and I dance.  I cook real food...and I read bedtime stories a whole lot slower.

Looking back, I'm thankful for the position I was in - because it has helped me to see how much better things could really be - even when *I* thought things were just fine.  Just fine.  Today I have to thank God for giving me a healthy dose of Claritin.

I encourage you to take a look at your life.  Take a look at your priorities.  Are they in the right place?  Things will only get worse if you don't work to make them better.  Dig deep, and find that courage to make a change.  Say a prayer if you don't know where to start.  Change isn't easy.  It's actually very difficult, and at times it can be painful...but I promise - the right changes are always worth it in the end. 

 

Time Flies...

Crazy sometimes, the way time flies.  We go through this life, day by day, step by step, minute by minute.  Sometimes, much of the time, it feels as if the minutes just drag into hours and the hours drag into days.  It feels like the same thing day after day - the same battles, the same fight - the good fight yes, but a fight nonetheless.  And then one day you stop and really look at your life and realize - WOAH - how time flies...how things change.

James had his preschool advancement ceremony tonight - he advanced from 4K to 5K.  He has one more year of preschool and he's off to Kindergarten.  How did THAT happen?  How is he suddenly reading, and writing his name, and going to school and for the most part...LIKING it?

My babies blow me away.  I call them my babies, even though they're not babies anymore.  They're growing, thriving children.  They're nothing more than little people, becoming who they are meant to be.  It's hard to remember sometimes that I'm merely their guide.  It's my job to make sure they grow up knowing how to be kind, fair and good.  It's my job to teach them right from wrong, teach them how to treat people, and how to treat themselves.  

It's hard to be a Mom.  Really I just want to be their friend.  I know that's not fair to them at this point - but it's really hard to find the balance.  I've heard it said "I'm your mother, not your friend..." but I still have a hard time with that.  The hardest thing for me I think, is that I don't understand the plight of the sibling.  I'm an only child - so I don't get the sibling thing.  I don't understand the constant bickering.  I don't get the way they can hate each other one moment and love on each other the next.  I try to wrap my brain around it but it's just not something I can understand.  Sometimes it feels as if I'm just along for the ride.  The funny thing is - even when the ride makes me want to tear my hair out...I don't want this ride to end.  I'm so happy being their Mom, yes even when I don't understand them.  I'm so blessed to have them both in my life - my number one girl, and my sweet sweet boy.  I am thankful every day for them, even when I don't understand them or the dynamic they possess within their relationship.

Life has thrown me a few curves, without question.  I've managed to dodge a few bullets, but I've been nailed by a few as well.  The one thing that keeps me sane even when I question my own sanity - is them.  My kiddos.  My babies.  My reason.  They blow me away.  I remember clearly the day that each of them came into my life...and my what a ride it has been.  My oh my...how the time does fly.

Cherish every moment, for the moments will have a tendency to disappear before your very eyes.  One minute you're rocking them to sleep at 2am - the next thing you know they're reading, writing, learning, living, becoming. 

What a bittersweet blink it is.

Candlelit nachos...who knew??

My baby turned four today.  Blows me away - four already.  It seems just yesterday I delivered him, at Swedish in Seattle - in the very same delivery room as my sister in law, a handful of months before.  Don was weeks away from a deployment, and James Robert Rhine made his big debut.  Four years  ago today.

Since that day in 2008, this family of mine...we've been through a lot.  Ups, downs, and in betweens.  Smiles, tears, separations and a handful of homecomings.  But you know it's funny, no matter how hard you may try - no matter what - you just can't stop time.

This fourth birthday of James' falls during a time of family separation.  As did his third.  Aaaand Paige's 7th.  And 6th.  The cool thing about this one though was SKYPE!  We have never had Skype at our disposal in such a way as we have for the last six months (and the next six too!).  We sat together, Paige, James and myself here in South Carolina, and at the head of the table, right there in between two lit tapers - was a laptop computer with Daddy's big ole' face on the screen.  He was eating nachos too - just like us.  We were together, celebrating the birth of one of our babies by candlelight. 

So romantic.  Who knew?

No real deep spiritual insight in the blog tonight.  No awakening, no *AHA* moment.  Just a romantic evening with all of the loves of my life.  Even in hard times, we are blessed and we know it.

James' fourth birthday will be the last one he has to spend away from his daddy for years and years to come.  The absolute coolest part is that I am not completely sure he'll end up ever remembering a birthday without him.  <3

Happy February 23rd...life is good!

Crisis Averted...but by the grace of God.

You know - it's crazy the things we go through as parents.  As families.  We roll with the punches and go with the flow, and then suddenly we're hit with a ginormous left hook, always out of nowhere.  Such has been our last couple of weeks. 

Paige had a birthday on January 17th, Don on the 16th.  We spent a weekend at Great Wolf Lodge in Charlotte to celebrate.  Had a FABULOUS time.  We took a boat load of photos, as we always do, and sincerely enjoyed ourselves.  We returned on Sunday and as Don and I were reviewing the pictures, he brought up a good point.  He noticed that in a vast majority of photos of James, his eyes didn't reflect the same color.  What is referred to in photos as "red eye" - was red in one eye, white in the other - consistently.  James has always had an issue with camera flash - in 90% of the photos EVER taken of him, if a camera flashed, his eyes inevitably closed.  We'd never noticed.  This time it was impossible to miss.  Photo after photo, it was the same.  Lighting differences made no difference - his left eye flashed white.  Don said he had seen "something" on the news relatively recently about a boy with a red and white flash...it was "some sort of medical issue".  GREAAAT.  Not exactly the words I was prepared for.  I hit up google.  Bad idea.  All sorts of ugliness flooded my brain while I awaited the appointment with the pediatrician 2 days later.  Eye Cancer being the scariest, and OBVIOUSLY that was what we were talking about here.  I just knew my boy had cancer.  Either that, or a brain tumor - he's got a bit of a speech issue, so I just knew it had to be SOMETHING serious - and seriously scary.

Tell me he's not the cutest boy you've ever seen.  Go ahead...you CAN'T, CAN YOU?!?!?!

So we had an appointment with the pediatrician on Tuesday.  I picked 5 photos from our weekend in which the red/white discrepancy was blatant.  She took one look at them, uttered the word "disease" and sent us immediately upstairs to opthamology.  We spent several hours with the eye doctors.  They did tests on his eyes, reflexive and responsive tests with highly calibrated machines.  I was so amazed that they could set him up with this machine - blow some air into his eye and tell me "Nope.  He can't see."  Did I mention scary?  Yeah.  I love navy docs.  Turns out the woman was not a doctor - but she still had a hand in my heart plummeting to my stomach as she said  "Your son can't see out of his left eye - hold tight while we run some more tests and see what we can find out."  Wow.  What was happening??   I immediately texted my mom with an update and asked for prayers.  I called Don and left a choked up voicemail on his phone "Baby, our son can't see.  I could really stand to hear your voice.  Call me when you get off work."  It wasn't until we met with the doctor and got some clarity that my brain stopped spinning and my heart slowed down to a manageable bpm.  It's not that James couldn't see - he just couldn't comprehend.  His left eye is extremely far sighted.  Not functioning at even a 20/600 level.  He can SEE, his eye is simply not "wired in" to his brain.  He's been diagnosed with a lazy eye - though it doesn't LOOK like a lazy eye and we'd never have known had we not noticed the white reflex in the photos.

Back to the pediatrician.  Glasses on order (a +6 prescription), patching his right eye 2 hours a day, everything is ok.  That's when the pediatrician drops the ball on me "I can't understand a thing that boy says, I want his speech assessed asap."  WTF.  OK really?!?!  From one crisis right into another on the same day?  "He might have hearing problems as well, so here call this number in 5 working days and they'll tell you when they can get him in for a hearing assessment as well."  (This is where Mom starts to lose it entirely).  A sight issue, a speech issue, a hearing issue?  I asked the pediatrician point blank "Could there be a brain issue here that we're not looking at?"

That question took all the strength I had.

She replied simply -

"I can't rule that out.  Get this testing done and we'll see what we have to go off of."

Um, excuse me whaaaaat???  She did not supply the answer I was looking for.  I had wanted to hear a simple "Oh Mrs. Rhine don't be absurd.  You've been spending too much time on WebMD, James is fine quit being paranoid."

Honestly - I don't know that I've ever been so scared.  I immediately called the speech assesment contact and set up an appointment for Tuesday the 24th.  That night I sat with Don on Skype and drank 3 glasses of wine.  Might have been 4.  Was probably 5.  We were both scared...but I thanked God for the gift of wine (he knew what he was doing when he turned the water into wine!) and  I prayed for the health of my only son - and my own sanity in the mean time.

The 24th finally rolled around and we had the assessment.  He needs speech therapy - I could have told you that.  He has issues with articulation.  The good news is, he can SAY the sounds, he just doesn't put them together well.

His hearing is fine, he passed a preliminary test with flying colors.

The better news is, his cognitive skills are advanced into that of a near 5 year old.  He'll be 4 next month. James is one smart cookie (gets that from his dad).

His glasses came in yesterday - and they are so "HIM". 

He doesn't have a tumor. There's no brain issues. 

He will be in speech therapy and eventually his left eye will work the way it should. 

~ All that fear for nothing.~

I should have trusted in God from the get go, but I chose fear.  As much as I'd like to say it'll never happen again, I know better.  I am such an advocate to "let go and let God"...funny how easy it is to GIVE that advice, and how hard it is to LIVE that advice - especially when it comes to someone you love.  Seems backwards.

My family is my everything.  God is my strength.  So why is it that when it comes time to be my strongest, I forget that He is there to hold me? 

And that's when He reminds me I still have so very much to learn.  At least I have a good teacher...

And, thank God, a healthy family.

I'm one of the lucky ones.

My Minor Mommy Breakthrough!

Something interesting happened tonight, a little out of left field actually. It came time for the usual baths/showers routine between dinner and bedtime.  Paige asked me if she could take a bath instead of a shower.  I usually opt for showers on school nights with her, because we rarely have a ton of extra time in the evening, and that kid can take an hour long bath.  **NO idea where she gets that from...

Anyhow, I had told her she was going to be having a shower, and she was disappointed.  "Please can I take a bath instead of a shower?" she asked.  On any other day, I would have stuck to my guns, replied no, that we didn't have time for her to screw around in the bathtub for an hour, it was a school night and she needed to be ready for bed...but somewhere in the back of my mind, I glimpsed this fleeting opportunity and instinctively ran with it.  "What have you done today that might make me change my mind?" I asked.  I could see her gears start to grind.  She was thinking about when she fought with her brother.  She was thinking about when she argued with me about that candy.  She was thinking about when I had asked her to pick up her school clothes off of her bedroom floor and deposit them into the hamper - and remembering that she didn't. 

"What have you done good today?" I asked her again. 

She sat there for a moment in quiet contemplation and then softly said "I did my homework without whining?".  I began to smile - "Yes you did..." I said "and what else?".  She thought for a second, and with a touch more confidence she said "I let you work without bugging you to ride my bike out front."  Still smiling, "That's right."  I said "And what else have you done? "I made my bed, and I fed Angel when you asked me to!".  "You sure did" I told her.  "Sweetheart," I continued, "you have had a most excellent afternoon!  You may absolutely have a bath instead of a shower - but PLEASE don't go getting water all over my floor..."

I can't say exactly what it was about the beginning of that conversation that sent me down an unknown road - I've been praying a lot lately, so maybe God was whispering to me "What if you handle this *this* way?".   What the whole experience boils down to, in my opinion, is simple and yet complex.  Our children are under so much pressure today to be perfect.  Even though they're still young, don't think for a minute that they don't know their own imperfections, and that they don't blow them up and out of proportion in their little minds.  They perceive imperfections that aren't even there.  I remember when I was a kid, everything was amplified.  Any imperfection I saw in myself was driven home by the harsh criticisms and mean words of kids like Amber Murray (I'll never forget that girl, she had it all...).  Bullies, and insecure classmates.  My child  tries hard to please everyone she meets.  She is smart, she is funny, she is friendly.  She is courageous and she is beautiful.  She is also a 6 year old girl.  She subconsciously sees the examples that society sets for our young adolescent girls, and it puts an unjustifiable psychological pressure on her. 

Now I'll be the first to admit, I'm not the easiest mother to have.  I'm not always a joy to live with, and when I get overly stressed I can be quite a challenge.  I sometimes find that I must stop to remind myself that my children are children - and to treat them as such.  I can expect too much, and I often do.  I'm trying very hard to put the kibosh on that.  The very last thing I want to do is put still more pressure on my children, who already have so much outside pressure on their shoulders.  I think tonight I may just have had a minor mommy breakthrough there.

The reason I wanted Paige to tell me the good things she did today was not so she could talk me into letting her have a bath instead of a shower - I'd already made up my mind on that as soon as she said please.  I wanted HER to hear all of the good things she'd done.  I wanted HER to stop and think for a minute and feel good about herself and her choices.  I want her to begin to learn to look at herself and see the sunshine, the goodness, and the quality of her character and her actions.  There are so many negative outside factors that are already working to influence her in her life.  As her greatest ally the least I can do is prepare her to stand up and defend herself against them - to know in her heart that nothing matters more than how she sees herself, and to be sure that she sees herself as the beautiful, amazing being that she is, God's own creation.

Bright, beautiful, friendly, funny, smart, intelligent, giving, caring, thoughtful, considerate...

That's my girl.