Crisis Averted...but by the grace of God.

You know - it's crazy the things we go through as parents.  As families.  We roll with the punches and go with the flow, and then suddenly we're hit with a ginormous left hook, always out of nowhere.  Such has been our last couple of weeks. 

Paige had a birthday on January 17th, Don on the 16th.  We spent a weekend at Great Wolf Lodge in Charlotte to celebrate.  Had a FABULOUS time.  We took a boat load of photos, as we always do, and sincerely enjoyed ourselves.  We returned on Sunday and as Don and I were reviewing the pictures, he brought up a good point.  He noticed that in a vast majority of photos of James, his eyes didn't reflect the same color.  What is referred to in photos as "red eye" - was red in one eye, white in the other - consistently.  James has always had an issue with camera flash - in 90% of the photos EVER taken of him, if a camera flashed, his eyes inevitably closed.  We'd never noticed.  This time it was impossible to miss.  Photo after photo, it was the same.  Lighting differences made no difference - his left eye flashed white.  Don said he had seen "something" on the news relatively recently about a boy with a red and white flash...it was "some sort of medical issue".  GREAAAT.  Not exactly the words I was prepared for.  I hit up google.  Bad idea.  All sorts of ugliness flooded my brain while I awaited the appointment with the pediatrician 2 days later.  Eye Cancer being the scariest, and OBVIOUSLY that was what we were talking about here.  I just knew my boy had cancer.  Either that, or a brain tumor - he's got a bit of a speech issue, so I just knew it had to be SOMETHING serious - and seriously scary.

Tell me he's not the cutest boy you've ever seen.  Go ahead...you CAN'T, CAN YOU?!?!?!

So we had an appointment with the pediatrician on Tuesday.  I picked 5 photos from our weekend in which the red/white discrepancy was blatant.  She took one look at them, uttered the word "disease" and sent us immediately upstairs to opthamology.  We spent several hours with the eye doctors.  They did tests on his eyes, reflexive and responsive tests with highly calibrated machines.  I was so amazed that they could set him up with this machine - blow some air into his eye and tell me "Nope.  He can't see."  Did I mention scary?  Yeah.  I love navy docs.  Turns out the woman was not a doctor - but she still had a hand in my heart plummeting to my stomach as she said  "Your son can't see out of his left eye - hold tight while we run some more tests and see what we can find out."  Wow.  What was happening??   I immediately texted my mom with an update and asked for prayers.  I called Don and left a choked up voicemail on his phone "Baby, our son can't see.  I could really stand to hear your voice.  Call me when you get off work."  It wasn't until we met with the doctor and got some clarity that my brain stopped spinning and my heart slowed down to a manageable bpm.  It's not that James couldn't see - he just couldn't comprehend.  His left eye is extremely far sighted.  Not functioning at even a 20/600 level.  He can SEE, his eye is simply not "wired in" to his brain.  He's been diagnosed with a lazy eye - though it doesn't LOOK like a lazy eye and we'd never have known had we not noticed the white reflex in the photos.

Back to the pediatrician.  Glasses on order (a +6 prescription), patching his right eye 2 hours a day, everything is ok.  That's when the pediatrician drops the ball on me "I can't understand a thing that boy says, I want his speech assessed asap."  WTF.  OK really?!?!  From one crisis right into another on the same day?  "He might have hearing problems as well, so here call this number in 5 working days and they'll tell you when they can get him in for a hearing assessment as well."  (This is where Mom starts to lose it entirely).  A sight issue, a speech issue, a hearing issue?  I asked the pediatrician point blank "Could there be a brain issue here that we're not looking at?"

That question took all the strength I had.

She replied simply -

"I can't rule that out.  Get this testing done and we'll see what we have to go off of."

Um, excuse me whaaaaat???  She did not supply the answer I was looking for.  I had wanted to hear a simple "Oh Mrs. Rhine don't be absurd.  You've been spending too much time on WebMD, James is fine quit being paranoid."

Honestly - I don't know that I've ever been so scared.  I immediately called the speech assesment contact and set up an appointment for Tuesday the 24th.  That night I sat with Don on Skype and drank 3 glasses of wine.  Might have been 4.  Was probably 5.  We were both scared...but I thanked God for the gift of wine (he knew what he was doing when he turned the water into wine!) and  I prayed for the health of my only son - and my own sanity in the mean time.

The 24th finally rolled around and we had the assessment.  He needs speech therapy - I could have told you that.  He has issues with articulation.  The good news is, he can SAY the sounds, he just doesn't put them together well.

His hearing is fine, he passed a preliminary test with flying colors.

The better news is, his cognitive skills are advanced into that of a near 5 year old.  He'll be 4 next month. James is one smart cookie (gets that from his dad).

His glasses came in yesterday - and they are so "HIM". 

He doesn't have a tumor. There's no brain issues. 

He will be in speech therapy and eventually his left eye will work the way it should. 

~ All that fear for nothing.~

I should have trusted in God from the get go, but I chose fear.  As much as I'd like to say it'll never happen again, I know better.  I am such an advocate to "let go and let God"...funny how easy it is to GIVE that advice, and how hard it is to LIVE that advice - especially when it comes to someone you love.  Seems backwards.

My family is my everything.  God is my strength.  So why is it that when it comes time to be my strongest, I forget that He is there to hold me? 

And that's when He reminds me I still have so very much to learn.  At least I have a good teacher...

And, thank God, a healthy family.

I'm one of the lucky ones.

My Minor Mommy Breakthrough!

Something interesting happened tonight, a little out of left field actually. It came time for the usual baths/showers routine between dinner and bedtime.  Paige asked me if she could take a bath instead of a shower.  I usually opt for showers on school nights with her, because we rarely have a ton of extra time in the evening, and that kid can take an hour long bath.  **NO idea where she gets that from...

Anyhow, I had told her she was going to be having a shower, and she was disappointed.  "Please can I take a bath instead of a shower?" she asked.  On any other day, I would have stuck to my guns, replied no, that we didn't have time for her to screw around in the bathtub for an hour, it was a school night and she needed to be ready for bed...but somewhere in the back of my mind, I glimpsed this fleeting opportunity and instinctively ran with it.  "What have you done today that might make me change my mind?" I asked.  I could see her gears start to grind.  She was thinking about when she fought with her brother.  She was thinking about when she argued with me about that candy.  She was thinking about when I had asked her to pick up her school clothes off of her bedroom floor and deposit them into the hamper - and remembering that she didn't. 

"What have you done good today?" I asked her again. 

She sat there for a moment in quiet contemplation and then softly said "I did my homework without whining?".  I began to smile - "Yes you did..." I said "and what else?".  She thought for a second, and with a touch more confidence she said "I let you work without bugging you to ride my bike out front."  Still smiling, "That's right."  I said "And what else have you done? "I made my bed, and I fed Angel when you asked me to!".  "You sure did" I told her.  "Sweetheart," I continued, "you have had a most excellent afternoon!  You may absolutely have a bath instead of a shower - but PLEASE don't go getting water all over my floor..."

I can't say exactly what it was about the beginning of that conversation that sent me down an unknown road - I've been praying a lot lately, so maybe God was whispering to me "What if you handle this *this* way?".   What the whole experience boils down to, in my opinion, is simple and yet complex.  Our children are under so much pressure today to be perfect.  Even though they're still young, don't think for a minute that they don't know their own imperfections, and that they don't blow them up and out of proportion in their little minds.  They perceive imperfections that aren't even there.  I remember when I was a kid, everything was amplified.  Any imperfection I saw in myself was driven home by the harsh criticisms and mean words of kids like Amber Murray (I'll never forget that girl, she had it all...).  Bullies, and insecure classmates.  My child  tries hard to please everyone she meets.  She is smart, she is funny, she is friendly.  She is courageous and she is beautiful.  She is also a 6 year old girl.  She subconsciously sees the examples that society sets for our young adolescent girls, and it puts an unjustifiable psychological pressure on her. 

Now I'll be the first to admit, I'm not the easiest mother to have.  I'm not always a joy to live with, and when I get overly stressed I can be quite a challenge.  I sometimes find that I must stop to remind myself that my children are children - and to treat them as such.  I can expect too much, and I often do.  I'm trying very hard to put the kibosh on that.  The very last thing I want to do is put still more pressure on my children, who already have so much outside pressure on their shoulders.  I think tonight I may just have had a minor mommy breakthrough there.

The reason I wanted Paige to tell me the good things she did today was not so she could talk me into letting her have a bath instead of a shower - I'd already made up my mind on that as soon as she said please.  I wanted HER to hear all of the good things she'd done.  I wanted HER to stop and think for a minute and feel good about herself and her choices.  I want her to begin to learn to look at herself and see the sunshine, the goodness, and the quality of her character and her actions.  There are so many negative outside factors that are already working to influence her in her life.  As her greatest ally the least I can do is prepare her to stand up and defend herself against them - to know in her heart that nothing matters more than how she sees herself, and to be sure that she sees herself as the beautiful, amazing being that she is, God's own creation.

Bright, beautiful, friendly, funny, smart, intelligent, giving, caring, thoughtful, considerate...

That's my girl.

Christmas has come and gone...

Ahhhhh the food is gone and the gifts are opened. 

Well, ok so the food is not ENTIRELY gone.  There are leftovers in the fridge of course - some ranch potatoes and some broccoli casserole still hanging around just waiting to add another layer to my thighs.  But holy smokes what a great dinner we had on Christmas eve.  Don did a duck on the grill, and he did an AMAZING job with it.  The thing about duck - it's pretty rich...but it's also a pretty small bird when compared with a pheasant or a turkey.  Our duck was 6 pounds.  We didn't eat it all, but came pretty darn close.  Is it my imagination, or are ducks all dark meat?  It was SO YUMMY.  Really - pure yum.

My husband is (as I've called him before) a grill God.  I don't know how he does it, but he does it and he does it well, so I don't ask any questions.

Christmas morning came bright and early (after the elves were up far too late).  It was a great morning though, the kids were over the top excited, and Paige about lost it when she finally noticed that big ole' Barbie house over next to the tree.

It was pretty funny, she didn't notice it for a good 5 minutes...how she missed it I'll never know.

I made Ina Garten's Holiday Sticky Buns for breakfast Christmas morning.  A carbohydrate nightmare, but OMG they nearly rivaled the duck.

Nearly.

I sent 6 of them home with my good friend Donna, she has 4 nine year old boys and a (?) year old husband - I knew they'd get eaten UP, and quickly.  If they'd have stayed here, they'd have been, you guessed it, eaten UP...and of course there'd have been yet ANOTHER layer added to my thighs.  What is it exactly about the holidays and thighs?

Don shopped for me at Pandora this year - he bought me the most beautiful charm bracelet a woman could ask for - and I in turn bought him a new locking console for his jeep.  It's got a hidden compartment for his stereo deck, that locks, and it's also iPod compatible.  It was something that I felt he deserved after his previous deck was stolen on our trip from Washington to South Carolina. He installed it today and was so stinking cute - like a giddy school boy.

Ultimately, this has been an amazing Christmas.  Not because of any charm bracelet or new vehicular lock box.  Not because we had an amazing duck or delectible sticky buns.  What has made this holiday season so phenomenal has been the company. 

Our little family is together for a whole fourteen days - and we do not take these moments for granted.  There are material things that will always make us smile, and make us feel good - but the best part of it all is the memories made.  The time appreciated and not taken for granted.  The love that we share as we cuddle together and watch silly movies and goofy reality TV (the kids still lose their minds over AFV and Wipeout). 

What we have is amazing, and beautiful, and real.  It is something we fight for and live for and love for. 

We are the Rhine family. 

We are unbreakable, unstoppable, and undeniable.

Merry Christmas..with love.

~

Where exactly DOES the time go?

WOW!!

I just realized I haven't blogged since August of last year.  Of course I have my constant Facebook updates, and you can find me on Tumblr too.  But there's something therapeutic about blogging...and I assure you, after the last year I could TOTALLY use some therapy! 

I need to write more. 

I need to become more organized.

 

I need a cleaner house.

Eh, one out of three ain't bad, right?  Let's go with baby steps for the win.

What a year it has been!

Paige turned 6 in January. Don was deployed.

James turned 3 in February. Don was still deployed.

Don finished a 7 month deployment in April.  That's when we moved our family and all of our STUFF 3,000 miles across the country to South Carolina.   It was a fun trip in the Winnebago, we did a lot of driving, and a lot of singing...

The kids did a lot of coloring, and some bickering.

For every frown or disagreeable moment, there was at least one bout of laughter, and a smile or two to be had.

Even Pepper enjoyed himself...he did a lot of - well - riding.  It was nice of him though to keep track of the map for us.

Don did most of the driving.  I drove for a day...or maybe it was a few hours.  It was incredibly windy, which translated into "Becca speak" is oh-my-God-how-do-you-keep-this-thing-on-the-road scary.  We got hit by a ginormous dust devil going through Utah that pushed us across the freeway and onto the opposite shoulder.  I thought we were goners, it was, by far, the scariest vehicular moment of my life.  Don was driving. 

We got to South Carolina in April and came right to the house!  It was nice to be back, our renters didn't destroy it, but it really could use new carpet and some new paint.  That'll be my goal for the first part of the new year.  I want to get the kids' rooms in shape.  They are the priority after all.

Let's see - what else?

Don left for Virginia in September. 

Thanks to the US Navy, he'll be working in Virginia until September 2012, but we're blessed that he makes it home once a month or so for the weekend.  The distance is only 400 miles - we've endured much much farther distances than that.

It's CHRISTMAS! 
(This is our tree)

Even with chaos surrounding us and a life that we only pretend we can control, there are still beautiful moments.  Treasured, God-given moments spent together, not to be taken for granted.

Ultimately, it's been an insane crazy, crazy insane year.  We've been through a lot, but we're still truckin'.  We get through it, because it's all we can do.  I promise to blog more frequently, for my own sake as well as for the sake of my friends and family that may or may not get tired of listening to me ramble endlessly on and on into oblivion.

"Live a good life - for in the end it's not the years in a life, but the life in the years."

~ Abraham Lincoln ~

The only constant is change...

When I last wrote, the ships' schedule had just changed and I was of the belief that I wouldn't see my love until the spring. Shortly after that blog the schedule changed yet again - I do believe we saw 3 changes in 7 days - and Don came home last Tuesday! It seems as if they'll be here for a period of approximately three weeks, but there is some speculation that he may be around for a week or two longer. Speculation is everywhere though, so I have to take everything with a grain of salt and enjoy the time we have, however long or short it may prove to be. He had the day off yesterday, and it was wonderful. We did some running around, got him some new shoes for the gym, and had a great evening with the kids. They do love their daddy!

For those of you that are not aware, Don was selected for Senior Chief this year! I'm so proud of him, and so happy to see that his hard work and dedication to the navy is paying off. He broke the news to me though yesterday that his advancement may come at a bit of a price where our next transfer is concerned. At the same time though it also may benefit us. Sometimes the navy can be so fickle. To explain: because he is a now a Senior Chief, he cannot simply go to Goose Creek (Naval Nuclear Power Training Command, or NNPTC) as a general instructor. He would need to fill a more supervisory billet (job spot), of which there are fewer to be had. Our plans to transfer in March 2011 may not come to fruition. We could be bumped back a matter of months into later next year. On the flip side, given that there are now 3 newly advanced Electrician's Mate Chief selectees in Reactor department (Don's rate) - they may be willing to let him go before the end of deployment and we could find ourselves traveling back to South Carolina much earlier than anticipated. It will all depend on when a billet becomes available at NNPTC. He'll be calling his detailer (the man who assigns the sailors to their billets) before the end of the month and we should know more then.

It's so bittersweet, the thought of leaving Washington again. We love the pacific northwest. We know that when our time in South Carolina is done and his retirement is complete, we'll be done with the navy and will likely settle in Oregon, closer to my parents. We've talked a lot about it and it's something we both very much want. Of course it will all be up to God and the job market, and what kind of job is available and where. Lucky for me my job is 100% mobile, I can take it anywhere. I support Don in doing a job that he WANTS to do, after giving 20+ years of his life to our Navy. I want him to look forward to going to work every day, and knowing that when the day is over he'll come home to us. We've never been afforded that lifestyle, and I very much look forward to it...we both do. The kids don't know that our life is different from most, as it's all they've ever known - but I've explained to Paige that even on shore duty, daddy will never have to go out to sea and he'll be able to come home almost every night, duty nights being the exception. She's excited for that. South Carolina is not my favorite place in this nation of ours. There's not much to do as a family. That is one thing that we love about Washington - if given an opportunity, there's always somewhere to go together, something fun to do. Rarely however does an opportunity seem to arise. It will be nice though in South Carolina, to have our house back. To live in a place that is truly ours, that we can do whatever we want to. Don has projects for the house he'd like to fulfill - he wants to tile the kitchen floor...and I'm sure after 3 years with renters we'll need new carpet. I miss my storm door that slides from solid glass to a screen. I miss my ceiling fan with the remote control. I miss my little garden out back, and canning jalepeno's on the turkey fryer element, on the back patio with a heat index of 115! I miss riding horses. My God do I miss riding horses. All these things will be wonderful to get back to. It will be difficult to be so far again from family, but we are secure in the knowledge that it won't be forever, and when all is said and done we'll return to the Pacific Northwest...where we can buy our "forever house", and install a sliding screen storm door, a ceiling fan with a remote, and buy a couple of horses for the pasture. It will all come true one day, what feels like a lifetime of bending and turning at the whim of the navy will pay off.

I'm convinced of it.

Heavy sigh...

Welp. The decision has been made, and daddy will not be coming home this year. So here I sit, reminding myself of the silver lining, listening to Bob Marley tellin' me every little thing is gonna be alright, and letting it slowly sink in.

I don't like it. But it's gonna be alright. I'm glad I didn't tell the kids. I'm trying not to be disappointed but of course there's bound to be some. When he left we were prepared for this...but within the last week I started to let myself get excited - and I knew that was a bad idea. I even vocalized that it was a bad idea. But the thought of sharing a laugh together again just kept creeping in. Ultimately I'm relieved, and so happy to know that when he comes home we'll never have to say goodbye again. Seriously. NEVER. Not for a good 50 years anyways. Hell, by the time we're old enough to die the life expectancy will probably be 110. So that gives me 80 more years to torment him.

I did alot today. I plunged the toilet again. Stupid toilet. I put the kids' beds together, took them apart and put them together again. The rails were too high so when we got the foundations and mattresses up there the things were three feet high. I tore apart Paige's old bed with a wedge and a hammer. That was fun...and a great outlet ;) After that we went to Fred Meyer's and I knocked out what would have been a trip to Safeway and a trip to Target. Let's hear it for spending more money just to save a little time. God knows it's always one or the other that you have more of. Seems if you have more money then you can count on less time, and if you have more time odds are there's not much money to be had. Came home from Fred's just in time to start work. Knowing I didnt' have a lot of time, I bought a pizza for the kids for dinner, turns out I bought one they didn't like. I guess that could be a blessing in disguise. Reminds me of one day last week I was running late coming home from Everett - I bought them happy meals and let them eat in the car. When we got home I realized Paige hadn't eaten her fries. So I asked her about it - "Don't you want to eat your fries?" she says "Nah, they're not healthy.". I was proud of her for thinking about eating healthy, at the same time wondering to myself how she could actually be MY kid.

I do alot. Psh. I do it all. But by the grace of God.

I need to go to bed, I'm tired and have a lot to knock out tomorrow. I just needed to ramble for a few. I start my mini vacay tomorrow, and my mom is coming to visit on Friday! I can't wait to see her. I gain so much strength from her. It's funny, I never start to feel weak until I stop long enough to think about everything I do. So...I'm going to stop thinking about it now.

Before I go - a note to bring a smile. A few nights ago, at a little before 8, I told Paige it was bedtime, and to go potty and brush her teeth. So she did all that, then she came out and said "Mama, the toilet won't go down AGAIN." See, I think James put something in the toilet and it doesn't flush right. I need to get maintenance in here to fix it because I'm tired of plunging it...but I have to clean my house first. So anyways, she says "Mama, the toilet won't go down again." So I got up, grabbed the plunger and went into the bathroom. She watched with the kind of curiousity that only she can muster, while I finally got the water to drain. I looked at her and said "See? Just like that!". With the most innocent expression, she looked at the toilet, then looked up at me and said "Mama, that was FASCINATING!" :) I tried to stifle a laugh but did a pretty poor job of it.

Yep. That's my girl!!


Goodnight...

It's 11:30, and I really should be in bed...

Yeah, it's 11:30. I should be in bed. But I'm not. Why? Because I am enjoying peace and quiet. The only me time I seem to find occurs after 10pm (when I get off work) and lasts until I close my eyes to sleep. The good news is, James doesn't relish waking up at 5:30 anymore.

It's been a crazy day. I love being an ombudsman but it's safe to say I didn't go a half hour without the phone ringing today. A couple people didn't get paid (that's what happens when you don't show up to work, even in the navy), but mostly everyone just wants to know what's going on with the schedule. As if I don't. On the one hand, it'd be great not to have to say goodbye a second time. But on the other, oh what I wouldn't give for an opportunity to look my lover in the eye. I have been thinking a lot about time lately. Initially, when it became clear that the ship may actually return home for 2 or so weeks next month, I was nothing short of pissed off. "Why do that to families?" I said. "Don't they know how excruciating deployment goodbyes are??" We discussed our mutual feeling that we hoped they wouldn't be back, just because goodbye is so exceptionally difficult. He's been gone now for 2 weeks, and so much has happened. Paige lost another tooth. The tooth fairy came. James' vocabulary increases daily now it seems...though it's difficult to tell exactly what he's saying unless you know his language. How could I wish away that time that could be spent together? Now that we're IN it, of COURSE I want him home. Even if it's for a mere 2 weeks. Yes goodbye sucks. No I don't want to do it again. Yes the kids become impossible for a good week or so when Don leaves. No I don't want to go through that again. But if he can have just two more weeks with us, who knows what he might be able to witness. And heck, he could even help me put the beds together that I ordered for the kids...and maybe even borrow Jim's truck to haul the old one away!!! Haha here he's not even home and I'm already finding work to be done.

I've been beating myself up over the fact that I can't seem to keep up with the housework. I even re-created my chore calendar. Every day I have set tasks that need to get done. It helps a little, but really I'd rather just play with the kids. Don't get me wrong, we're not in shambles...but I feel like I have so little time, as long as the kitchen is clean and the toilets aren't filthy, as long as I manage to run the vacuum a couple times a week - it could always be worse. We bought a carpet cleaner before he left, so what's the worst that can happen really? There's just no time, when I start work at 2, to accomplish everything and still give the kids the attention they deserve.

Physically, I feel good. I've been working out on my elliptical and working abs and triceps. I'm paranoid I'm going to wind up with what has been pleasantly dubbed "Angel Wings". You know, that flabby underarm skin that just sort of hangs there with no real place to go. I've lost 40 pounds since surgery, and it feels great. The best part...my butt is shrinking. That's always a plus.

Not much else to say for now. I changed the name of my blog. "Faith and Health Revisited" was a good name...but really how long would "revisted" apply? And I'm still all over the faith, I'm still all over the health, but there's so much more to me than getting skinny and having faith. So much more to this life that I live. Hence the new name. Thanks for reading my ramblings...that's just about all they amount to - but you can get the gist of what's on my mind, and hopefully these late night musings might just start happening more often. God knows I could use an outlet, even if it means I lose an hour of sleep.

Goodnight...