Priorities, and Change

Well hello, it's me again.  I know, it has been awhile.  I'll bet a handful of you probably thought I'd fallen off the edge of the universe.  Some could say that I did.  My universe has gone through some pretty intense changes over the last 3 months, but they've all been amazing and for the better.  It's all about priorities, and what is really important in life...my eyes that were once glazed over with too much stress, too many obligations, too much wine and what was becoming an ever increasing list of regrets have grown clear.  The haze has disappeared.  You know, it reminds me almost of that Claritin commercial that used to run...you know the one.  Starts out with some poor allergy stricken person talking about how they were so miserable before they found Claritin. Then the camera does this little filter trick that lifts the haze like the turning of a page and suddenly colors are brighter, laughter is louder, and the flowers no longer secrete enough pollen to throw them into sheer misery.

You could say I've found my Claritin.

A mere three months ago I was consumed with my allergies.  So I made some changes.

I was working too much.  It's funny, this thing we do called work.  It's what you could call a necessary evil.  I have a friend who traveled to Europe.  She came back and told me about her vacation - how it was much needed.  She told me of a local vendor at the farmers market she visited who asked her how it felt to be from a country that lived to work - when in reality happiness comes when you simply work to live.   It was a valid question that she couldn't answer.  Made me think.  I couldn't answer either.  Don was in Virginia at the time, and every day was the same here.  Grueling.  I liked my job, but I had no business doing what I was doing and trying to be an attentive parent and housekeeper at the same time. It was overwhelming.  I drank wine to help myself feel better.  It worked more often than not.  At least until the next day.

Add to that my insistence on being the perfect parent.  We all know there's really no such thing, but I always thought if I just tried harder, I could get there.  I enrolled the kids in skating to give them something to do (and at the same give myself an additional obligation 3 times a week, not to mention financially).  It was great, they had fun.  But it didn't make me a better parent, even if I somehow thought it did.  All they wanted was my time, of which I had none to give.  I would take them to skating and sit on my phone checking work email and stressing over whatever the newest project was and if it would launch on time, if everyone had been trained, if I had missed anything.  But it was fun, right?  Right?  Paige asked me one day "Mama, do you remember when you didn't work, and you used to play with me?".  Enter guilt.  I had a conversation with her about why my job was important - but it was all financial.  If I didn't work, she couldn't skate.  So in the end she thanked me for working.  I went home and drank a glass of wine.  Or three.

Towards the end of July, I decided that it wasn't worth it anymore.  I stepped down from management at work and took a leave of absence.  And I quit drinking.  Completely. 

I don't even miss it.  I've never been so happy, or felt so good.

It has been only three months, but life is better than ever.  I'm back at work part time, and it is perfect.  The kids aren't in skating anymore, and likely won't be again.  Paige asked about it, and I asked (legitimately) if she'd rather I worked more so she could have lessons again, or if she'd rather we just go to open skate as a family a few times a month.  It made me smile when she said "That's easy Mom - FAMILY SKATE!".   Last week we all took an afternoon and went bowling.  Today after school we had a family Wii session.  I won.  I have time to enjoy life now.  I am not overwhelmed.  There is no haze.  There is still some underlying guilt for the way the last year or so has gone down for us - but I'm working through it.  Don is home from Virginia and that of course in itself is a huge relief.  It is SO nice to go grocery shopping without kids in tow - ha!

Today my priorities are in order, and what a blessing.  I've come to realize that time with those that we love is something that, once lost, cannot be regained.  It is amazing to be able to sit down, just the four of us, and spend quality time playing Wii, or go out riding bikes, or playing on the playground (I even crossed the monkey bars last weekend - Paige thought that was the coolest thing EVER!).  I am no longer overwhelmed.  I am no longer scared of what I might have missed at work.  I'm no longer worried about what would happen if I lost over half my income.   These days I laugh...and I dance.  I cook real food...and I read bedtime stories a whole lot slower.

Looking back, I'm thankful for the position I was in - because it has helped me to see how much better things could really be - even when *I* thought things were just fine.  Just fine.  Today I have to thank God for giving me a healthy dose of Claritin.

I encourage you to take a look at your life.  Take a look at your priorities.  Are they in the right place?  Things will only get worse if you don't work to make them better.  Dig deep, and find that courage to make a change.  Say a prayer if you don't know where to start.  Change isn't easy.  It's actually very difficult, and at times it can be painful...but I promise - the right changes are always worth it in the end.